Spotted: a pretty looking girl, with no ring on her finger and, there’s no way on mother earth that she’s going to escape the wrath of a “rishta aunty”.These well-connected aunties are like vultures, preying any unmarried girl, who is in her early 20s (and sometimes even in her late teens). The “rishta aunties” with their in-built binoculars arrange marriages of the prettiest of girls to the ugliest dudes. For a girl the best way to piss off a rishta aunty is to tell her, ” I am studying blahblahblah these days, and I plan to get a masters degree in blahblahblah, oh and I have big career plans too”. Take my word for it, no rishta aunty will ever trouble you after this. Well-educated, working girls, who are smart and happen to have an opinion on things that actually matter (these things exclude the latest collection of LV bags or the new lawn print everyone is donning), are every rishta aunty’s nightmare. Because let’s face it, guys DO NOT want their wives to be smart women. They would much rather prefer pretty, fair girls with haystack for a brain. If you happen to be fair (great emphasis on this word), pretty, and petite then you’re the puuuurffectt prey for the rishta aunties and soon thou shall be hooked up with an average, or sometimes, ugly looking dude, who can easily feed a Somalian family for a month with his daddy’s business, but would much rather spend it on fancy cars, the latest model of the blackberry, or branded clothing that aint gonna make him look any prettier.
These aunties pressurise parents, who for a change actually believe in educating their daughters and letting them have a career of their own, to get them married and ultimately quash their plans of going for a higher degree and having a career of their own. Their favourite places to hang out are committee parties, weddings (duh. Special targets include the friends of the bride), fancy restaurants, funerals (yes, EVEN those!), boutiques and, race-course park ( a friend of mine was once attacked by a rishta aunty there). They can’t rest in peace, unless and until they’ve got everyone in their bigass khandaan, neighbourhood, children of family friends, friends of friends, friends of friends of friends, facebook friends etcectra etcectra, married to each other and eventually making Lahore (where everyyyyyybodyyyy knows everyyybodyyyy) an even more inter-related city. But these aunties exist everywhere, not just Lahore. With the advent of cellphones and social networking sites, these aunties pass on numbers and facebook profiles for potential proposals. Please join as many controversial/ eye-brow raising/ tabboo pages on facebook as you can. Joining a page which supports gays/lesbians are a must, so is a page that aims at killing future mother-in-laws.Turning shaadis into business, the wrath of the rishta aunty is hard to avoid. The best way to avoid them is to well…grow a beard.