Monthly Archives: December 2009

When in pain, say…?!

I know the title of this post sounds like I am about to rant about some difficult phase/period of my life, the sort which makes you go nostalgic and sulk in the memory of something painful in your past. But, NO! It’s not the pain which comes in the form of heartache, or a loss of someone beloved, it’s the pain you experience when you hurt yourself..physically, and by that I am not implying cutting yourself up by razors- hell no!- it’s the sort of physical pain you experience when you hurt your knee while running, trip yourself while walking in heels, bump your head while getting off the car, burn your hand while trying to pour hot coffee in a mug, or the pain you experience when you’ve a TOOTHACHE! Sigh. Toothache.
Anyway, my toothache, which is still a severe pain in ze rear-side, made me go to the dentist. He checked my cavities with those fancy tools of his’, and informed me that I’ve not..1..not 2..not 3, but NINE CAVITIES! Die chocolate cupcakes. Die. -_-
That wasn’t the REAL painful part. The demon of utter pain and agony marked it’s advent when the dentist told his assistant that my teeth would require two injections. Now, normally I’ve no fear of syringes, so  I was pretty cool with it. The dentist rubbed some anesthetic paste, and then proceeded on with the syringes. I could feel something going inside the back of mouth, but suddenly I HAD to yank away his hand and cry out aloud, “HOLY FUCK, $#%#$^$*&%!” Uh oh. I realised that I had swore out aloud in front of my dentist.
The swearing, a lot of it, but in my defense it was all impulsive (:$), was ensued by a two minute awkward silence, during which I tried to nurse my swollen cheek. The poor dentist then lighten up the mood by saying, “Oops sorry! Didn’t realise it’d need more numbing to do.”

Anyhow, before I deviate from my main point of concern. Let’s get straight to that. Remember when as a kid you hurt yourself, the first word that came to your mouth was something along the lines of ‘mamaaa!’, ‘ammiii!’ , ‘ouchh!’ But in my case, the words have changed from ‘mamaa’, ‘shit’, ‘damn’ to you-know-what. And, in case you’re with an adult at the time of pain, the PG-13 swearing can lead to “ahem”-looks ,awkward silences, and if with parents- hours long lectures on the evils of swearing. And, if your mom is like mine with strict no-swearing-allowed rules, then my sympathies!

P.S: The author didn’t know that it was humanly possible to have nine cavities. :/

“OO EMM GEE! There’s TWO of them!” 0_o

When god was creating boys, he put this thing in every guy’s blood. I don’t know what exactly is that “thing” called, but to elaborate upon it, it’s something that make guys jump, drool, somersault, and  go carazzzzaaayy upon seeing..wait..it’s coming..almost there.. I am about to blurt out EVERY guy’s fantasy numero uno..I present you- A FASCINATION WITH LESBIANS! Do I hear some haww hayees ?
Those of you having guy-friends/boyfriends/fiances/husbands/lovers and a mouth which is capable of blurting out PG-16 content would probably be aware of this fact beforehand.  It’s a standard characteristic that applies to EVERY man- no matter what colour, creed, race, height, weight, or religion he belongs to. Lesbian imagery- including Lesbian porn, live Lesbian PDAs, pictures of Lesbians indulging in various sexual activities- raises male testosterone levels drastically. If you happen to see some type of Lesbian activity with a male, expect actions ranging from ecstatic looks, excessive hyper-ness, drooling, wide-eyes, pure un-adulterated form of happiness.
To further elaborate this topic, the author then asked a guy-friend about this strange male phenomena and the logical reasoning behind it. Upon realising the topic under discussion , the above-mentioned friend displayed the hugest, widest grin ever known to man-kind. His initial response was that the author and Adriana Lima would make for an awesome threesome with him, but he wanted to keep Kareena Kapoor all for himself and wasn’t too happy with the idea of sharing her with another girl. The author found it extremely un-guyish of a male to say “NO” to a threesome involving TWO women. But, what can be said- guys are weird. Anyhow, the friend was then asked WHAT EXACTLY is the rationale behind the fascination with lesbians, to which his reponse was, “Doooode, it’s two of EVERYTHING- two sets of b**bs, two v*****s ( he used another word which is a synonym for a cat, but the author finds it highly derogatory and pinky swears that it looks NOTHING like the word also used for a feline), two WOMEN. WOOOOHOOOO!” To which the author pointed out that sexual behaviour between two men is disgusting eitherway, hot or not. This statement made the said friend ponder for a moment and then his grey matter came up with, “but women are just so complex!” Right.
Anyway, the statement that, guys go ga-ga over any sort of lesbian imagery stands true and unopposed. Despite the fact, that the author still fails to understand the REAL DEAL behind it, other than the “two-of-everything” logic. Therefore, if you can come up with a response that actually makes sense, do chip in and help me out.

Hopeless, I tell you.

Many of you ladies out there would agree with me on this one.

You know, how we go to parlours every week? Threading, waxing, trimming, facials, manicures, pedicures, etcetera etcetera. Our great expedition to look “pretty” does not end here. We’ve to avoid being in sun for long, so that we don’t turn all dark. If (god forbid) we defy this norm, all the aunties would go berserk telling us how we are turning into an ugly duckling instead of the white pretty swan. Then we have to wash our hair everyday, use a suitable conditioner, oil them and expose our hair as guinea pig to all sorts of wacky experiments, all courtesy our moms and grand-mothers. Moisturizing to avoid flaky hands and feet is also another ritual that needs to be followed daily, especially in winters when our skin starts to resemble that of the scare-crow’s from “The Wizard of Oz”. It’s a never ending task. I can literally go on and on. But, here’s the funny part. We go through the tedious process of being prim, proper, pretty, beautiful, attractive, or another fucking synonym for being “appealing” but, when we see a guy with a stubble (Did your girlfriend/fiance/wife ever tell you how stubbles are oh-so-totally-sexy? It’s kind of a universally accepted fact by the sister-hood of females all over the world. True story.), smelling of cigarettes and perfume ( you know how there’s this special potion to attract a member of opposite sex in some cartoons,mystery unraveled- THIS is the special potion. I kid you not.), with an untidy collar (read SRA) and messy hair, we can not help but go like “OOH! DAMN!” (in a totally i-am-absolutely-attracted-to-you-right-now-please-make-a-move-on-me way). Sigh. What the fuck starts malfunctioning in our brain’s aesthetic department at that time!? I fail to fathom the complexities of such a situation. It’s like the entry of a member of the opposite sex, possessing the above-mentioned characteristics stops the proper working of my female brain.

WHAT IS UP WITH THAT ?

P.S: The author has some icky-gooey substance smothered all over her hair right now. All thanks to mommy dearest. -_-

Women are whiners?

Fashion Police 101.

I was never much of a fashion critic. I mean, look at me! I am the sort who got fined for wearing mismatched socks to school and yes, I have had the oh-so-lovely-delight of meeting my crush’s fiance in a brown shawl, blue “bata” sandals, grey pyjamas and a black hoodie, not to forget my multi-coloured “toe socks” (they are love <3). While on the other hand, there she was with her Louis Vuitton bag, strappy sandals, pink painted nails and accessories that actually matched  her clothes, oh and how can I forget- the gigantic stone on her finger (insert swear word -_-).
Anyway, I am not doing a piece on how I made a fool of myself in front of my crushes’ girl-friends/fiances/wives . I might actually write one sometime later, but this post’s about the VARIOUS fashion crimes I have seen being committed in the past one month.

Specimen 1:  I don’t have the words to describe this fascinating female. No one would, really. She’s truly one and only one of a kind. She redefines “bringing sexy back”. Her confidence is truly out of this world, I mean anyone who can wear the tiniest possible capris without having her legs waxed must be commended for her incredible confidence- SALUTE! I don’t know whether she’s a hard-core feminist who considers conforming to the norms of society (and personal hygiene) her insult, or whether she’s just too “kewl” to get herself waxed. Now coming back to her fashion sense, she has stiletto heels in every shape and size-from the flamboyant leopard print to lime green, her heels and therefore, her strut can make any guy go ga-ga over her. Her innumerable  club-dancer/stripper/lap-dancer inspired boa scarves add another feather to her hat or cap since, she dons one with a zebra-print one every now and then. Pamela Anderson should sue her for advocating the usage of animal skins/prints so ruthlessly. If  I had to choose one word for her fashion sensibilities, it  would definitely be “wild”.
And, since I hate her to itsy bitsy bits love her so very much, you can always look her up on Facebook.  OH! She’s also coming on some reality TV show- “The Knack” :/ (Hello PEMRA, are you there?)

Specimen 2: A friend said it right, when she said that this female’s too fancy for her size. Her size reminds you of the likes of Thumbelina and Tinkerbell ( the character from “Peter Pan”, not Paris Hilton’s dog). Her hair has an identity of it’s own. It’s like another “being” dangling from her head. “The hair” can be seen tied up in a Rapunzelish braid or a Geisha-ish knot on top her head. “The hair” is also home to a number of accessories- from colourful Amazonian butterflies to various different kinds of flowers, everything and anything can be seen on “The hair”. She matches everything from head to toe. Sometimes, even her eyes match her outfit. She also has the honour of being the MOST accesorised female on the face of this planet. Her pink flamingo feather earrings and the leopard-crow-mutant top are a CLASSIC. If Specimen 1 defies conforming to the society, Specimen 2 makes “less is more” seem absolutely redundant.

Specimen 3: My only  advice for Specimen 3 is, STOP WEARING THAT STRIPED OFF-SHOULDER SHIRT OVER YOUR SHALWAR KAMEEZ. THIS IS NOT FUSION! YOU LOOK LIKE AN ABSURD WANNABE.

Specimen 4: This female likes to think that wearing maternity gown look-a-like dresses will hide the layers of fat deposited on her tummy. Little does she know that it actually gives the illusion of a non-existent baby bump.

Anyhow, I think I have described enough social nuisances for a single post. This certainly doesn’t mean that the halo has taken over the demon horns in me- Never. I am just saving the rest for later.